Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”