I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
christening a ship with an overripe banana
a badder mouse
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine