I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
#NeverForget
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“HELP WITH CAT”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.