I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
You Might Also Like
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already