I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.