I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn