I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You Might Also Like
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Just me?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
good work, everybody
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me