I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I’m giving up for Lent.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
These work great until they don’t.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”