I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
it be like that
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Oops I deleted….
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!