I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose