@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
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@TheBoydP: Protip: If your wife says don't put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
@ItsAndyRyan: Noah in a pet shop "Two of every animal please" "Want any unusual examples?" "No, just arky-types"
@charmfoz: If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you're an inmate & tweeting from prison.
@KirstenCatClub: [God Creating Raccoons] God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food