@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
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@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.
@Chumpstring: [airport] SON: can i yell bomb? DAD: no. SON: hijack? DAD: nope. SON: how about shitballer? DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don't.
@MartaEffing: I'm sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
@GrantTanaka: Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.