‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”