@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@curlymalloy: Those stupid stress balls don't work!!!... I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat... And now, I'm more stressed than before!!!
@venomjunkie2: My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks? Me: how? by sitting on them? lol. Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: It's great having kids, isn't it? ME: Oh yeah, it's the best W: How long until they go to bed? ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds