‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets