I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Aaaa…CHOO!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.