Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”