I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.