I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
You Might Also Like
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Merica.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My favorite type of men is ramen.
PLEASE READ
You have been warned.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol