I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“A little help here, Danny?”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.