I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I can also cook 😂
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit