I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The human personality is made of five key elements
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.