I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix