I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable