I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc