I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.