I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
me irl
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
seems like a niche market
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.