I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.