If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My dad is at it again
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
This checks out
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope