Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”