I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
oh u like history? name everything that happened
A roof is a house hat.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night