The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?