*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.