I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them