@baycontaco: I've started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
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@krisv_723: I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I'm not a monster.
@tarashoe: STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book] STRANGER: a stunning genius
@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
@LizHackett: There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs."