@baycontaco: I've started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
@Book_Krazy: Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday
@knot_eye: Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
@Shock_Monster: Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.