[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.