Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
seems fine
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
This is I, Robot all over again
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me