I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.