I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
let’s discuss
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.