I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
this could fix me
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”