Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
definitely did not do anything wrong
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Dance like you’re not the father
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you