*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When your parents check you’re ok.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
constantly working on myself.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I don’t make the rules sorry
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Fights fire with marshmallows
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.