Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
so weird how every mom was born today
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow