[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You Might Also Like
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.