So we got a goldfish…
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
let’s discuss
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.