do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.