Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
No, he would not have.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.