[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them