I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.