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@Mothpete: The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That's 15 minutes, right? I'm not reading too much into it?
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
@WheelTod: [On phone with circus] Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job” Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it” Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?" Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?” Hannibal: *hangs up
@SharkJelly: "Hey honey" *drags a cigarette* "have you ever" *drinks some scotch* "slept with a guy" *sucks a lollipop* "with three arms?"