The Onion called it…again.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.