[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.