Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.