Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Spring of Deception
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.