@weinerdog4life: Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@jordan_stratton: The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.