Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Harsh but fair
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
This story is comedy gold 😂
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?