commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school